I'm Natalie. I like long walks on the streets & vintage shoe collecting.

Hope you enjoy the stay

abandon suicide

abandon suicide

[ Ending a heartbreaking trend ]

It's out of a control and it's not addressed in the cultural narrative as it so desperately needs to be. This is Abandon Shoes and their lost soles attempt at shedding light on the darkness of this epidemic.

I wrote these prose you'll find on this blog 20 years before committing myself to a mental institution because I would not commit to suicide; foreshadow much. The reason I self-committed myself was because I thought the GOD I trusted and believed in was all I had left and he’d made me believe I had nothing left but to resort to suicide. Literally kill myself. Stop my heart. Anyways, he failed. I knew, if nothing else, I still solely had myself. That’s the point. Of this. Of all of it. Of life.Yourself. Your ability to survive. A mental breakdown perhaps I had, but I knew the messages I was getting from the universe could not be my universal truth. I was not meant to take my own life - even if I had nothing but myself and the cesspool of material irrelevance that surrounded me. I had everything I never wanted. Yet my soul had the strength to know it could prevail. So it walked itself into St. Michael’s hospital and said the three magic words

[ “I need help.” ]

Unashamed. Unconfused. Unaffected by what others would think when they found out the fate of Natalie Greenspan being committed to the looted bin. I didn’t give a sh!t. I cared about carrying on. The voices, the signs, the dreams - all of it could have easily lead me to believe my fate was suicide but I refused to succumb. I still had a will to leave - in whatever way that meant. And so my 3 week stay in the mental ward began and the one thing it succeeded in was making me grateful. Not for the institution of mental health that in my perhaps crazy mind needs to be re-institutionalized, but because I wasn’t depressed. Everything in my world was telling me it was over but my soul refused to accept this fate. My bi-polar diagnosis has two poles - Hyper and Hyperer Manic. So just to clarify, being Bi-Polar doesn’t mean you suffer depression, at least not in my case. I’ve always been able to get out of bed, shower, put on my face and take immaculate care of my personal space. Call it Type 1 Bi-Polar with some OCD mixed in if you warrant classifications - the shrinks sure do. The first point is - Mental health is health and this blog is my attempt to remove the stigma from it. 


Loneliness, lostness, isolation, broken hearts - welcome to life - they’re not reasons we take our own. The reason people succumb to suicide is because they don’t get help. And it’s always the same story; nobody saw it coming, they were so jovial, how could someone so rich and pretty feel as though they have nothing to live for. Street people fell they have something to love for so these rationales are noting more than bullshit. It’s refusing to get help that is. In my books, the entire meant health institution needs re-branding. 

And speaking of branding, just to be topical - Kate Spade. Quick, curious and strong is how the brand with her namesake still attached to it introduces itself on Instagram. Quick perhaps, but how is refusing to get help for your much in need state of mental health because your worried about what it will do to your brand image strong. It’s not. It’s weak and it’s sad and the fate of it speaks for itself. At least Alexander McQueen’s suicide coincided with his brand narrative. Skulls. The second point - as is with everything on this site except the above one is that there’s actually not one. Souls live on eternally.  Lost soles trying to find their own new ones is simply my hope of brining some much needed relevance to a disrespectfully misunderstood subject matter - the complexity of the mind. And lost soles hope to help contribute to accomplishing some understanding of it. Afterall, they don’t have much else to do. Good’s their thing

[ 00 ]

Nobody can help yourself
So go ahead and help yourself to whatever that remedy may be.
The hard stuff
The soft stuff
The liquids
The powders
The street drugs
The pharmaceuticals
The self help shelf
I’ve done them all
They’ve done me all in
Admitted to the mental institution at 37 without a smidgen of sin
The key is wanting to help yourself
The rest is test best
You wanna get better you do if you will
That’s the only way.
The rest is bullshit.



Mirrors tell lies depending on the eyes
Trends end
The ego incessantly defends
Words speak
Actions tell
Let judgement fall on gods verdict only
Classy’s turned assy
Suicides not an out
It’s just purgatory for the suffering
Doctors need categories
The minds got them comparmentslized
Too bad nobody but yourself can sort it out
PHD stands for go fuck yourself and get out of your thesis And experience life for yourself
We are what we eat
Meat is flesh
Some call it rare medium or well done
I simply call it murder in the first
Purpose is the only reason for creation
A mission statement isn’t a nicety it’s a mandate
Why do you exist
Answer that question and you’ll know who you are and why God created you
It’s called soul mission and learning it often requires a lot of searching and feeling like a lost one.
Just know you’re not alone
God’s up there
All knowing
All seeing
All believing
How our creator has watched us destroy ourselves is beyond my current comprehension
So I just pray for the day they intercept and rectify the cesspool of irrelevance this man-made world of materialism has caused.



Slit your wrist, hand your head, pull the trigger

But as you leave me here

Say a prayer 

I cannot save you nor will I try

Because I see the pain 

You were it in your eyes

How it has plagued you

Taken possession ver your girlish innocence

Overpowering the person I wanted love

It I could rectify the traumas of an empty life’i swear to you

I would

But all I can do

Is extend my hand

And pray that you will seize it

But  if you must leave it

Untouched and untaken

Another will never replace it within that empty space

I often imagine the day on which you desert this world

Running away from the pressures of this so called life

There’s not a moment that passes that I do not think

Of the first hour we will no longer share

In all of your sadness

Have you ever once thought

About what leaving would do to me?

Imagine me standing above your grave

With the expression of a mourning soul

Questioning only why?

How you made me endure such a tragedy

You were always the one afraid being alone

So you decide to abolish that fear

But here now I stand

In the absence of you

And I’m the one who is left alone

Weakness or strength

Which one was the driving force

I have they to concede or conclude

But an escape it surely was

You ran

I remained

Refusing to drown in my salted tears

Tears released from the loss of life

The loss of us

And all that we shared

You always wanted the chase

But that pleasure I will not give you now

I refuse to enter the territory your have

I want my sorrow to cease

I want answers 

I want ease

But never will I take own life

That is God’s plan.

Self-inflicted pain

Your remedy for fear

If only you could have waited it out

To regain the strength that this corrupt world robbed you of 

Of maybe you just gave up on it~

abandon abandonment

abandon abandonment